Pondering the Bump.

I wonder if hanging out on the TTCAL board is doing me more harm than good. I thought it would be a good place to indulge my baby fever. But I'm beginning to wonder if it's actually fueling a fire that would ease up a little if I spent less time on the board.

Last night while watching TV with Mr. Ibis, the thought popped into my head that I'm only 30 years old. I want to be done TTC by age 35 to reduce the risks associated with pregnancy over 35, but for goodness's sake, I have almost five years. I've been feeling so under the gun as though I have very little time left. But I thought of all that's happened in the last five years: I started dating Mr. I, I changed careers, I moved halfway across the country, I got married, I bought a house, I started TTC. I can do a lot in five years! Surely I can have a child. I want two, but the most likely worst case scenario is I only have one. One is fine. I can be happy with one child. We have discussed having one child many times and agreed that that would be just fine. So why have I been panicking?

Maybe it's harder not to when you're watching 20 or so other women go through two week waits, negative pregnancy tests, chemical pregnancies, infertility, recurrent pregnancy losses. Maybe my empathic nature works against me and causes me to feel almost as though it's all happening to me, over and over, on a daily basis. It's a bit overwhelming at times. I wonder how I'd feel if I just... didn't go there.

I'm not sure I'm ready to cut ties just yet, though, but I'll think about it.