Balance

Thank you, baby, for keeping me sane.

For every moment that I am hit with a pang of anxiety about the Pea, there is a corresponding moment when I am hit with a pang of I need to throw up. I haven't, yet, but every now and then I'll move too quickly, eat one too many bites of dinner, or just innocently mind my own business and I feel a surge of dangerous nausea. Thank god. Thank baby. I really need that... my breasts feel a little less burning and stabbing, though they're still tender, and my bloat is less dramatic as well, so I need all the nausea I can get right now. This week leading up to my appointment is the hardest to get through yet.

I have been having vivid dreams every night for at least a week, but last night was my first real pregnancy dream. I dreamed that I was full term, with a huge heavy belly, and about to go into labor. I was in Japan and there was no room in the hospitals, so I was herded with a bunch of patients into a big grassy park. I had to pee so I went to a public restroom, and there my water broke - I even saw my bloody show in great detail, though in real life I don't have any idea what that looks like. My mom entered the bathroom and said, "Whose water broke?" I asked her, "How do you know someone's water broke?" And she said, "I just do - who was it?" so I told it was mine, and I was going to have my baby soon. I could feel its head dropped and pressing down. I stood in front of a mirror naked and bounced up and down - I was so excited about having my baby I felt like dancing.

Mr. Ibis has also been having crazy dreams, but his last night was about time traveling and talking to Prince about basketball, haha....

Mr. I is the other person keeping me sane - of course. I'm sure he has his anxieties about the pregnancy, but if so, he's keeping them to himself. He tends more to talk about how he's scared of the idea of me giving birth, or nervous about being a dad. He talks about parenting choices he thinks he wants to make, things he does and doesn't want to do with our child. The implicit optimism of this does have a positive effect. I can't say that I'm there yet myself, but it's soothing to soak it in.

Being home this week has its upside and downside. Obvious upside is that I get to chill and do nothing - what's not to like about that? The downside is more time to stew and witness ongoing miscarriages on the Bump boards. And time kind of drags....

Next week I go back to work, doing a small job for another finisher that I used to work for full time. I'm hoping that being busy will quell the morning sickness a bit, or if not, then at the very least that I can conceal it. I am NOT ready to tell anyone I work with about the pregnancy, no way, no how.