To Do

I am in a shit mood. I volunteered to do some free painting for a friend and am regretting it - I really couldn't have gotten out of it since I owed the friend a favor, but it SUCKS. It's the perfect storm of everything I hate in a paint job: tight spaces (hallways and laundry room), shitty homeowner tools and equipment, and total lack of preparation - all the pictures still hanging on the walls, holes to fill, etc.

I went there yesterday afternoon with Mr. I and Miles. I had the idea that Mr. I would watch Miles but he got sucked into helping the other friend with projects. So poor Miles had to just sit in his car seat alone. Another woman there who was helping clean tried to rock him to sleep... I thought, okay this will be my trial run, let a stranger try to put my baby to sleep. After a while she told me, "I got him down, he's in the bedroom." Great! I thought. When I got a chance I went to check on him. He was sitting in the car seat, wide awake, on a freshly shampooed carpet that smelled like industrial cleaner (WTF). I brought him into a different bedroom, opened a window for fresh air, swaddled him up, and he was out like a light. SIGH.

I have to go back this morning. In fact, I have a jam packed day. Painting at 9 am or so, then I'm going to Judy the Daycare's around lunchtime, I have a business meeting at 4 pm, and maybe possibly will try to get to La Leche tonight at 7 pm. That's a lot for one day, particularly when I'm dragging Miles out with me, so we'll see how it goes.

I'm bringing Miles's stuff over to Judy's this afternoon. I think I've finally mentally made my peace with this, though I'm sure I'll have plenty of emotional pendulum swings yet to come. The way I'm trying to think of it is like this - what torments me is the idea of Miles crying and wondering where his mommy is. But would I have this fear if I left him with Mr. Ibis? No, I'd feel confident that Miles would be comforted by his daddy. What if I left him with my mom? I'd feel comfortable with that too. So I have to think of Judy as kind of a third parent. This is part of why I chose in home care over a center... so he can bond with his caregiver and feel secure with her. Sure, she'll be a stranger at first, but he's so young that he should be able to bond with her pretty easily at this stage.

I know some moms feel insecure about the idea of their children bonding with caregivers. I don't know if I'll change my mind later, but right now that is not a concern of mine. I feel confident that he'll always love his mommy, and I feel it's important that his daycare provider be a loved one in his life and not just a staff member. I hope they can have that kind of relationship, and that she and I can be friends and not just two strangers conducting a business transaction. I hope that's not too much to expect out of this deal.

I don't want to be a stay at home mom, but man this going back to work stuff is rough. I am struggling with how unimportant my job seems now, and I'm not even really back on the job yet! It's just so much harder for me to muster up the energy to care about work, to return to that world of to-do lists and phone calls and onerous chores like loading and unloading equipment and so on. But I just have to put one foot in front of the other and get it done.