Monday

God, is it Monday already? As last night wore on I became suffused with dread about work, to the point where I had work-related nightmares all night long. Mr. Ibis asked me last night in bed what kind of job I might rather do that would be less stressful. I admitted that lately I've been idly fantasizing about just working for my colleague in the business. It's not exactly the work itself that I dread - although it is exhausting - it's running my business, being in charge, and being responsible for any fuckups that is so unbearable lately.

I feel like I'm constantly on the brink of disaster. One wrong step and everything will be ruined and I just won't have the energy to fix it. Responsibility is definitely what's freaking me out lately. I can handle being responsible for a baby but that's about it. Mr. Ibis is all over the housework lately but some things he can't do - just because he doesn't have time or I've always done them and it would take longer to explain it all, like our taxes. I've been trying to get us a new health insurance plan and you wouldn't believe how insane the process is. And work, work, work never ends. I'm late with two different samples because I just don't have the time.

And then there's all the miscellany of life - like for example, I woke up at about 3 am to feed Miles and suddenly realized that I haven't given the Unicorn his heartworm prevention pill in - well, I don't really remember!

It's funny how the things I worry most about are never the things I needed to worry about. When I was pregnant I worried most about Miles being born healthy, our marriage coping with a new baby, and money. I thought that my job was all upside, since it's so flexible and I figured I would enjoy getting a break from motherhood to do creative work. Now - Miles is perfectly healthy. Our marriage, despite the challenges of postpartum sex, is beautiful. And Mr. Ibis's unexpected raise has greatly eased our money woes. But my job feels like a huge burden and I am wondering how in the world I figured it would be easy to be a mother while running a business and a household.

Last night Miles couldn't seem to fall asleep in the Co-Sleeper. He was just kicking and kicking and grunting and flailing. So I brought him into bed and cuddled him in the crook of my arm. Instantly he calmed. In the mostly-dark I could see him looking at me. He often likes to just stare at me until he falls asleep, as if my mere presence is soothing. Lying in bed feeling his warm, relaxed body in my arms, watching his little eyelids droop, I finally felt calm myself. Those are the moments that get me through the madness.