6 Months Postpartum

On the left - my photo from 6 weeks post partum. On the right - today.

So here I am 6 months after popping. I have to say that before I had my baby I didn't give a lot of thought to what happens to ME after giving birth. I guess a little part of me was deluded by the Heidi Klum factor plus the fact that the last time you see your OB is 6 weeks PP... so I figured I'd be pretty much back to "normal," whatever that is, at 6 weeks. Yeah, no. Beyond that I just really didn't think about it. I figured life after birth was all about the baby, all the time. But guess what! I'm still here and still a person and still have a body, imagine that!

It took longer to recover that I expected (inasmuch as I considered it), in pretty much every way. Longer to heal from the perineal tear. Longer to lose the weight. Longer for the stretch marks to fade. Longer for the belly to subside. Longer for the leaky boobs to get under control. Longer to be able to have sex without wincing. Everything.

I think pretty much everything about the new mother's experience is very underemphasized when people talk to first-time pregnant women. All people ever tell you is that you're going to be tired, which really, is the least helpful information you can have. I would rather people have told me, you know what? You might need to get help to breastfeed. Sex might hurt... a lot... for a while. You know what? "Breastfeeding helps you lose weight" is not the whole story. It does, but not right away, usually. Guess what, just because you still have 10-20 extra lbs and a pooch when you're 6 weeks PP doesn't mean you're going to still have them 6 months down the line. Everyone's different but just DON'T PANIC if you're still totally squishy when you're going back to work 3 months later.

Right now, I feel good. I feel strong and lean and sexy in a new way. I have made peace with my now-faded but still evident stretch marks and slightly stretchy belly button. I have different kind of confidence in my body, a comfortableness, not so easily influenced by how hot other people might think I am, just a kind of grounded feeling that I feel like me, plain and simple. I feel less self-conscious, which was an excruciating feeling that dogged me through my teens and twenties. I guess once you've shattered your sense of modesty in all the ways that natural birth shatters your sense of modesty, self-consciousness loses its grip. It helps that Mr. I seems to find me sexier than ever!

Breastfeeding now is pretty routine for the most part. It's nice that I don't leak to the point of having to wear breast pads anymore. But sometimes when I nurse I get such a strong letdown that I have to discreetly (in public) press against the baby-free boob to prevent a leak. Also sometimes I get random letdowns when I'm not nursing and I have to press against my chest without looking like a weirdo. Once I got a letdown just from seeing a pregnant women in the grocery store! Another time I got one immediately after my friend asked how Miles was doing. So odd.

On the downside:

Sex still hurts a little, but only at first. Also, my sex drive is still suppressed by breastfeeding hormones... but I can rally if I just decide to do it.

I can totally deal with sleep deprivation, but at the end of the day I am physically completely exhausted and pushing through that bodily fatigue to bounce a fussy baby takes mental reserves unlike any I've ever known.

When the nurse was giving me my IV for the induction she at first couldn't get it in my left wrist and said she'd "hit some valves." She had to adjust the position slightly. I found the IV uncomfortable during labor until transition when I just forgot about it and was careless of its location. My doula commented that it might leave a nasty bruise, which it didn't. But 6 months later that wrist is still messed up - whether because of the "hitting valves" or my gyrations I don't know. But it's sore, and if I move it a certain way I get walloped with crippling pain and my wrist buckles. This is not good for a mom nor a manual laborer.

Suddenly my left knee is acting up. Like, when I kneel it fucking kills. This is probably just a function of getting old combined with a lot of jiggling and bouncing of a big baby. Kinda sucks though. I'm old!

I hear someone blowing raspberries... gotta go snarf some baby cheeks.