Contemplating Change

Mr. Ibis and I had a Talk yesterday. It was a good talk.

We have had this talk before, but previously it took a much worse form: arguing, fighting, crying. This time it was calm, thoughtful, positive, and hopeful. The topic: my career.

I haven't had any work in too long, which always starts to wear on both of us, but this wasn't really that kind of conversation. My plan for the short term has been, once the holiday season has passed, to get out there and make my rounds of the interior designers' offices again. Try to drum up more business. Blah blah blah. Mr. I knows I hate doing this and knows that I suck at schmoozing... he also knows, from attending business dinners and parties with me, that the people with whom I must schmooze are hard to love. To get anywhere in my field in my city you have to have cocktails with and suck up to a crowd that, for the most part, is cliquey, snooty, unfriendly, and for me utterly demoralizing. I would love to believe that the quality of my work can open all doors, and that's what I've been trying to tell myself for four years, but it's not the truth.

He sees that my work is draining, not fulfilling. What do I love about it? I love that I can make a lot of money in not a lot of hours. But that kind of attitude is not one that will make me successful in my career, and I've always known that in my heart. I have heard colleagues talk about how they work in their studios in their spare time just because they enjoy it, and I've always known that I would NEVER do that unless pressed. I AM good at what I do, but only to a point, and the limit of my ability is my lack of true passion for the job. A job that you really have to love to do well, because it's extremely high stress and high pressure - dealing with tight deadlines, tight budgets, and very picky clients. Basically, I do it because I feel forced to by financial pressure and not because I want to anymore.

I know that wanting to stay home is a new motherhood cliche. Look, there are a lot of motherhood cliches that exist because they are true. Not everyone wants to stay home when their kids are young, but a lot of women do, and I have to admit to myself and the world that I am one of them. I shouldn't be ashamed, and I'm not really, just a little chagrined at the way I used to sneer at women who felt the way I do now.

In an ideal world? I would stay home until Miles and Kid #2 are old enough for school, and then probably get into a different field. In an ideal ideal world I would take classes during their babyhoods so I could make a career switch. But classes are expensive.

In the real world, I still need to work a little. Not full time, but I need to bring in a little more money than what Mr. I brings home. He thinks I should get into child care of some kind. He sees me in 10 years running a holistic child care center where we could bring some AP-style (yep, I said it) practices to the daycare environment, focus on healthy eating, and bring these things that I am passionate and knowledgeable about together. I know that I am not the first, nor the one millionth, new mother to think "Hey I know, I could do daycare!" But who knows, it could work.

All I know is that while I keep painting in the short term, I have to think of something different for the longer term. I wish I could get out of this trade in time for my next pregnancy, so I wouldn't have to agonize over chemical exposure and climb ladders when I'm 7 months pregnant again, but I don't know if I'll have time to make the switch that soon. We shall see.