Let the Games Begin

On Friday night I proudly announced my "discovery" about SCH to Mr. Ibis, and his reaction took me aback a little. He was irritated that I was still dwelling on the reason why, and he said to me with some frustration, "It's over." This of course provoked some tears and nose-blowing on my part, but I kept myself in check. I told him that it's normal and ok that he feels that way, but I wish he could understand and accept that I feel differently. It's not over for me, because I still inhabit the body that betrayed me. I live in this body every day and it's impossible not to wonder what went wrong with it... what happened. I explained that everything is different for me now, my cycles, the way I feel... I will never, physically, go back to how I was before. And so I can't go back in time mentally or emotionally either.

So, that kind of sucked. I felt deeply embarrassed for hours afterwards. But I'm over it.

Sunday morning I chatted with my TTCAL buddy Ellen on Facebook for a bit. She kind of sold me on the idea of using OPKs, so later that day I went with Mr. Ibis to Target to get a bunch of things we needed. I went to the pharmacy section and picked up a box of OPKs. I stared at it. I brought it over to DH and sheepishly showed him before putting it in the basket. Walked around shopping. Then I chickened out and put it back. I'm sure there are 13 year old boys less embarrassed to buy condoms than I was to buy OPKs.

Obviously I'm a little conflicted about babymaking sex. I want to have sex, I want to have a baby, but I am not completely reconciled to the idea of combining the two in one. I think that cultural messages of women-who-want-babies as desperate, crazy harpies has really soaked into me. When I walked through the store carrying that box of OPKs, I had a vision of myself shrieking "Now's the time, we have to DO IT!" like some crazed sitcom character, and I couldn't deal. I feel ashamed for doing this. Why is that? I never wanted to be a woman who timed sex to make a baby... but why? Is there anything more logical than using good timing to achieve pregnancy? And yet I just feel so embarrassed about this.

Anyway. I'm probably going to just go back to the store and buy OPKs. Because why sit around wondering - just so I can have some street cred as a girl who got KU by being totally irresistable 24/7 instead of timing sex appropriately? I don't know what my problem is.

We're going to attempt Sperm Meets Egg this week, since today is CD 9. We started last night (and, well, Saturday morning though I'm sure that was too early) and I guess we're doing every other day plus the day(s) I get a +OPK. I am joking a lot about being scared to do it so much in one week, but really I think it will be a fun challenge and probably easier than I expect.