Good morning, it's 6dpo

The phantom symptoms have begun. I promise this time I am keeping my wits about me and remembering that they are phantom. I have realized (learned the hard way last cycle) that progesterone swells even during a non-pregnant cycle and causes all sorts of pregnancylike side effects. I woke up this morning and I could smell the coffee downstairs (it automatically brews before we wake up) as if it were sitting on my bedside table; Mr. Ibis couldn't smell it. This was probably my first pregnancy symptom when I really did get knocked up, but if I stop to think, I realize that there have always been certain times of the month that I had a keener sense of smell - I just never pinpointed when that was before I began charting.

I'm not in love with my chart yet, but I'm pretty relaxed about that too. I know that last cycle it had a pretty lazy rise after ovulation. In fact it actually looks a little nicer this cycle if you leave out my hairy drinking temps. I am a little surprised at how dissimilar they are overall; it may be too soon after the miscarriage to get any consistency from my body.

I said to Mr. Ibis last night, "I just want to make sure you know, if we didn't get it this cycle, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us. You know that, right?" He paused for a beat and said, "We'll do ovulation tests next time." I just told him, "Okay. Just want to make sure you won't be too disappointed or anything."

I was surprised to hear him suggest OPKs, since that's kind of a 180 from his "listen to our bodies" method this cycle (which I actually thought worked pretty well), but I think he probably talked it over with our friend who recently announced her pregnancy with baby #2. She's more his friend than mine, as they've known each other since high school. He told me the other day they'd discussed breastfeeding and cosleeping, so I'm guessing they talked a little about her methods for getting knocked up this time around, and she made some suggestions. Which I think is kind of nice... maybe it helps to hear them from someone other than me - someone impartial who's not all caught up in the soup of our baby fever.

He has said that "the pressure is on" since she announced her pregnancy and he'd like to have a kid the same age as theirs - even though we live far away. Two of his best friends - one being this friend - had babies at the same time two years ago and I think he's feeling a little left behind, as he'd wanted to have a child who would be close in age to theirs, but our life just didn't play out that way. Probably because I'm five years younger, I've lucked out so far in that department. I certainly have plenty of Facebook friends with babies or baby bellies, but none of them are particuarly close. Most of my friends are a couple of years younger than me and still childless - I just try not to think about hearing that one of them is pregnant before me.

I did hear back from my friend Michelle, whom I recently emailed and mentioned that I was feeling kind of sad about losing the baby and not being pregnant again. This is the friend who is a little wary of sharing feelings - she responded by repeating my words back to me, reminding me of therapy jargon a bit: "It must be hard to miss your baby and feel sad about not being pregnant," something like that. I appreciated her effort, but I am receiving the message that she is not really willing to talk about that with me. That's fine. She's probably one that I will wait until second tri to tell about the next pregnancy. There are some people I will tell early, but others I don't really want to tell about a second miscarriage should the worst happen.

Michelle is one of my "older" friends in that she's 30 like me. She mentioned that they're not TTC anytime soon because they "have to have that house first" and are still saving for a down payment. That's her prerogative, of course, but a little voice inside me wants to shout at her: "Don't wait too long!" You can always buy a house, but you can't always have a child. Her husband is older than mine - ten years older than her. Knowing what I know now, it kind of scares me when I hear people putting off starting a family when I know that that is an important goal for them. Michelle has fantasized about having babies for as long as I've known her - over a decade now - and even has named picked out. I wish I could say to her, babies don't care if you own your home, think about what you really want in life! But I wouldn't, couldn't - it's her life, her choices.