Partnership

Mr. Ibis asked me tentatively last night at we drove home from our nephew's birthday party, "Do you feel pregnant?" Almost in a whisper, as though it were naughty to say the words out loud. I said a little evasively, "Well... it's hard to say. I mean - well, the way it works is that your body prepares for pregnancy either way. That's why I thought I had so many symptoms last time. But your body will prepare whether you are or not, with the hormones and everything... you just can't tell. I think the soonest you can tell is a couple of days before your period is due."

He didn't say anything to that besides, "Really?" The fact is I don't have many phantom symptoms this cycle. So far it's the increased smelling power (which may just be O related), and waking up with a stuffy/bloody nose (which may be nothing). I had a flurry of phantom symptoms last cycle (which I know because I am recording my cycles like a crazy person on Countdown to Pregnancy) and I wasn't pregnant, so who knows what it means to feel nothing!

I felt a pang when he asked me if I feel anything yet. I can sense how much he wants it this cycle. A lot of the time we dance around the topics, or engage in gallows humor about it, but I am picking up on the longing and also the fear behind his casual comments. It's hard, because so much of what happens depends on my body doing all the right things at the right moments - I know there's nothing I can do about it (beyond what I'm already doing - eating well, cutting back caffeine and alcohol), but I feel like the carrier of our hopes & dreams, and that I just haven't come through on a promise yet. And yet, I know that he also feels inadequate because of our lack of success so far.

I know that plenty of couples try for longer than we have, but the miscarriage rattled us. Our desire to have a child is overlaid with this huge question mark now. How long will it take, will we be able to at all? People like to tell those who have miscarried that "at least we know we can get pregnant." But I've seen more than a few women on TTCAL who got knocked up easily the first time, but had to wait quite a while even to get another BFP, never mind a viable pregnancy. So I am not particularly reassured by our previous "success" (if you can call it that).

It makes me unbelievably sad to realize just how much my husband wants this to happen, and how disappointed he must be (though he doesn't talk about it much) that we're having a little trouble so far. For some reason this cycle I am feeling okay about getting another BFN, but what's getting me down is the idea of disappointing him again. Just the idea of him feeling that terrible longing and frustration is breaking my heart.