Random Thoughts

My chart is an unholy mess now. I took out the temps I thought were spiked by alcohol (three of them), then put them back in, then drew manual crosshairs, then my temp dipped .1 today. Gross. Good thing I "don't care" about my chart this cycle (ha!). All I say is that I physically felt like I was ovulating on Monday/Tuesday and if I wasn't, then hopefully I still will and we'll FWP again.

I've been a little bitchy with Mr. Ibis, yesterday and this morning, and I'm not sure why. I've also been extremely tired for the past couple of days. I picked up some work, and it's kicking my butt. I'm working hourly for someone who used to sort of be my boss, and she's running me ragged, having me do all the most difficult stuff... which is her right, but it's tough on me. If I calculated how many times I am up and down an 8 foot ladder, and up down a 5 foot scaffolding, it's probably quite a workout.

Yesterday while I was working I was suddenly struck with anxiety about the idea of getting a full time job and having to put a baby into daycare 45 or so hours a week. And then supposedly I would be doing painting work on nights & weekends? Not likely. It's ridiculous given that I am not even pregnant, but that thought bummed me out for the rest of the day. Lots of people do it but... meh. I don't even want to get into it.

So, the woman I am working with mentioned that she has a friend who is a lesbian and arranged with a male gay friend to have a baby together "the old fashioned way" and they would coparent and all that. She is currently about seven months pregnant and already fighting with the baby's father about custody. He's already threatening to sue her, and they already had to seek professional mediation. Now, I'm all for gay people being able to raise children, and I don't even have a problem with single parenting, but what a mess!

When my coworker and I were talking about my miscarriage, she delivered the platitude that "it probably just wasn't the right time." This doesn't really bother me, because I know people really do mean well. But a part of me wanted to point out, "It was the right time for your friend to have a baby with someone when they're already fighting about custody before he's even born, but it wasn't the right time for me to bring a baby into a loving home and stable marriage? How does that make sense?" People just do not think these statements through.

Despite that, I'm feeling pretty laid back about this cycle. My main concern at this point is just to make sure that Mr. Ibis knows that if it's another bust, it does NOT mean there's anything wrong with us. Normal odds say that we won't get pregnant right away - I don't think he believes that, though I've said it before. I don't know how I'll feel in two weeks, but right now I'm fine with another BFN. Maybe it's the dawning of spring, or maybe it's just that the first BFN is the hardest, but I feel more optimistic and patient now.