Resolution

I woke up this morning with another small temp drop (so yesterday's was legit), and the beginnings of my period. So I have an answer at last.

I announced this to Mr. Ibis by asking, "So, you want a Christmas baby?" He said, "Sure... well, why don't we try for Kwanzaa or Hannukah instead?" So I laughed, "Kwanzaa it is, then." I apologized to him for causing so much anticipation with all my fake symptoms and promised that next cycle would be different... that this was a learning lesson for me. And I will admit that my eyes welled up as I stared into my coffee cup.

Mr. Ibis said (he also mentioned this the other day) that next time he wants to have sex when the mood strikes, not necessarily when I think it's time - although he added that I should keep charting and doing my thing. He said that he thinks our timing will be better if we follow our libidos. I told him I think our timing was fine, it just didn't happen. He said, "Please... for the sake of my male ego, and my opinion of my sperm count. I think I can tell when it's time - I think we should have done it one more day last time." On a superficial level this annoyed me, of course. All my OPK tests and temping were not for nothing, and it nearly killed us to do it two nights in a row. But - I get it. He needs to feel some control too, some ability to affect the outcome beyond just making his deposit. And that's fine, even good.

Although I am still totally emotional and weepy like yesterday, obviously I know now I am just PMSing. Isn't it just too much that we have to deal with this particular disappointment amidst a dizzying progesterone crash? But I do think I got through the bulk of my depression and sadness on Saturday when I saw that BFN. I knew instantly that if I was pregnant, I shouldn't be seeing that so many days past ovulation. Even though I held onto a shred of hope after that, I knew. So I kind of went through it on that day. And I think a BFN cushions the blow slightly more than just finding blood in your undies, so I'm glad I did it that way. I will probably test just before my period is due again next time too.

The only thing that kills me right now is that my luteal phase is so freaking long. 17 days?? Really? Every cycle I have to endure 17 days of cut caffeine, no alcohol, and waiting? I couldn't have a nice reasonable 12 day LP like almost everyone else in the world? Lame.