On Tenterhooks

I was going to try to have a productive day, mostly consisting of making phone calls, but now I'm waiting for my mother-in-law to call from the hospital. She's waiting while my father-in-law gets a heart catheter and has no idea how long she'll be there. An hour and a half ago she thought it might be an hour. I just know if I get on the phone with my mortgage company or a client, she'll call. She was pretty freaked out last time I talked to her, so I don't want to miss her.

I am a hormonal mess this morning. I've been on the verge of tears for hours, and every mention of babies or kids (somewhat unavoidable if surfing the Nest & Bump) makes me well up like a fool. Some little bitter part of me almost wishes we'd never decided to have kids at all. I've had a pretty blessed life up until now and in a strange way I feel like I invited distress and disappointment into my life and my marriage.

My plan is to TRY to put this on the back burner for the week. No testing, no talking about it with Mr. Ibis, and try to refocus on being with him, on work, on the other things I have going on. Of course I will still be blogging and posting on the boards, because I do need an outlet. But I would like to compartmentalize a little better just while I wait to find out what the hell is going on with my uterus.

I came up with a cockeyed theory this morning that maybe taking 100mg/day of Vitamin B6 could have unnaturally prolonged my luteal phase. I started taking it about a week ago to boost my LP temps, because they were looking a little flat and wimpy. 100mg is not that high a dosage, but I'm going to go off it today and see if anything happens. I will be annoyed if I brought this madness upon myself in a misguided attempt to self-diagnose and treat a medical problem that didn't even exist.

The only other course of action before me is going to see my OB if something doesn't happen soon. I hope that she doesn't brush off the idea of charting. I'm nervous to bring it up, because I'm easily embarrassed and will feel silly if she doesn't take it seriously. The thing is, my cycle is not unnaturally long - only 30 days as of today - but my luteal phase may be, and the only way I can address that with her is to show her my charts. If I don't get AF or a BFP by the end of the week, I will give her a call.

Now I'm getting scared that there could be "something wrong with me." My whole reproductive system is just one big mystery to me now. I never knew how much I didn't know about it until I tried to use it.

Perhaps the cruelest irony at the moment is that two of my biggest coping mechanisms are unavailable to me until I get resolution: coffee and alcohol. The third is sex, but we tried that last night; it helped me sleep, but the effects have worn off.