Eggs on the brain

Happy holiday that I don't really celebrate. I made a vegan baked mac and cheese dish to bring to the potluck family dinner today. I was asked to bring mac and cheese, but I wouldn't feel quite right bringing 2 lbs of cheese over knowing that my ILs are not supposed to eat dairy. So I found a recipe online and made that. Mr. Ibis and I had some for dinner last night and I have to say it is pretty darn good. I can never tell anymore if my taste buds are just wildly different from the rest of the world's, but Mr. I liked it too. I'm curious to see whether anyone will guess it's "fake."

CD4 today and Aunt Flo is still up in my business. I've had a high but utterly useless sex drive for the past couple of days, which is frustrating and annoying. I know that some women like this part of the their cycle the best, the week or so before ovulation when they don't have to do or worry about anything, but I think I hate it. I hate having another whole cycle stretched out before me; it's daunting. Starting from scratch. Having to sit on my hands, feeling empty and unproductive. Even my projected ovulation day seems an eternity away, never mind my next testing day. And then of course my mind runs to the pessimistic and I think, crap, we might still be TTC in May? I never thought we'd get that far with nothing to show for it...

It's irritating to not be able to "count" the months of the lost pregnancy and the month of miscarriage recovery as part of the process. Fine, we've only had two unsuccessful cycles, but nevertheless we've been trying since November and I'm still not pregnant. It's pretty cold comfort to know that "at least I can get pregnant." Sometimes I think of what it will be like to have a child, to be a mom, for my husband to me a dad, and the longing hits me like a punch in the gut.

I'm sorry to be so negative, but I'm just so cranky and irritable and frankly a tiny bit angry right now.

Anyway, the lovely Rebecca sent me her unused OPKs and HPTs since she got her BFP last month (congratulations!). Mr. Ibis was as excited to receive the package in the mail as I was! He's all about the OPKs this cycle so let's hope they don't disappoint. I'm excited to try the digital ones - Rebecca gave me four - which I never have used. I also picked up a package of the regular kind yesterday so I'm armed and ready to go, although I won't need to use them for another week.