High strung

Blarrrrggghh. Me guts! 4dpo is too early for phantom symptoms, isn't it? I woke up, first ravenously hungry. That happens sometimes. But then, three quarters of the way through my cup of coffee my guts started to cramp something terrible. Diarrhea. Guts hurting. Feel kind of nauseated. 5 minutes later, more diarrhea, more guts cramping. I think it has to be too early for this to be in any way pregnancy related, and I ate a normal dinner last night (and Mr. I feels fine), so I must conclude that it's swine flu. Ha.

I told Mr. Ibis about the possible exposure of the blog, and he didn't seem to think it was that big a deal. So that was reassuring. More than anything I was concerned that he would be unhappy about it, but he didn't really care. I guess if people we know are really interested in my menstrual cycles, they can have at it.

I listened to a radio show yesterday about an artist who was working as a waitress and getting way too stressed out about her job. She said that she would get really upset about everything little thing that went wrong at work - if someone's food was taking too long, she would get all wound up about it, even if the customer didn't seem too concerned. After getting a pep talk from her mom, she decided to just stop caring so much and "owning" every little thing that happened, and suddenly she not only felt less stressed, she was also better at her job. Soon after that she received a $40,000 tip from a patron of the arts, but that's not relevant to why I bring this up....

Hearing her describe the way she reacted emotionally to every little thing that happened reminded me very much of myself. (It made me wonder if perhaps this has something to do with the social conditioning of girls/women in our culture, but then I thought no, because actually my husband is kind of the same way.) I get wound up about the smallest things, and sometimes stay tense for days. Sometimes I will stop to ask myself why I am so tense and realize that I'm not even entirely sure! This happened to me yesterday when I was feeling kind of stressed about work, but then when I paused to look at what was stressing me out, I found nothing. The job I'm doing is going fine and I'm on track to finish early, plus I slightly overcharged so I'm going to be well compensated. Sure, I am going to be a day late with a sample, but seriously, who cares. I already made two samples for this one room, and they're being picky... they can wait an extra day. It's fine. I'm fine.

I just need to let go of things. I need to work on this. Outwardly I'm a pretty laid back person, but inwardly I'm often a coiled spring. I find myself clenching my jaw, especially late at night, and can't even seem to relax my face. Maybe I should start doing yoga again. Deep breathing exercises. Something.

Edit: Ok, I ate breakfast an hour ago and I seriously want to puke and eat a giant birthday cake right now. This has to be psychosomatic. It's too early. Shiiit.