Worry

I'm a bad girl. I was very naughty this morning and took my temp when I woke up. I had absolutely no plan for how to react if it was low... I figured I would just totally freak out and panic for the next two weeks until my doctor's appointment. Lucky for me it was 98.6, the highest basal temp I've ever recorded. I promise I will NOT tempt fate and do that again.

I was just so anxious about the pregnancy yesterday (and still today, though the temp took the edge off). My symptoms had eased up a bit, and no matter how many times I prepared myself for that by reminding myself that it happens to almost everyone at some point, it still made me fearful. My boobs were a little less sore, even though they were still tender to the touch, my bloat was a little less bloaty even though my belly was rounded by dinnertime, and my hunger was a little less voracious, even though I ate half my body weight in pasta for lunch.

On top of it I was SO unbelievably irritable yesterday that I was just completely miserable. In the evening I bickered with Mr. Ibis repeatedly... everything was annoying me. I was tired of being sick, and tired of worrying that we're going to lose the baby or already have.

This experience is a lesson for me in living in the present, and accepting what life will bring. The thing about early miscarriage is that you really can't prevent it or stop it once it starts. It requires a Herculean effort of zenlike just-Being for me to let my body handle this, stop trying to control the outcome through mental acrobatics, just let go and accept that whatever's going to happen is going to happen.

While I was still TTC after my loss, I waffled between feeling like I would just let my next pregnancy run its course naturally, and indignantly resisting the idea that I would "have to" have two miscarriages before I could ever get any testing or diagnostic work done to prevent it from happening again. Now that I am actually pregnant again, I feel like the only path to sanity and peace is in trusting my body and letting this pregnancy unfold as it will. I have a very deep need to just think positive and focus on having my January baby, every day, one day at a time.