Meandering thoughts

Ahh, good morning. I'm drinking a mug of hot soy milk with a splash of coffee - it's delicious. I haven't had any coffee since I was six weeks pregnant, when I developed a sudden aversion to it. Since my food aversions went away, I've just been too timid to reintroduce caffeine - but the coffee my husband brews each morning has started to smell wonderful (rather than stomach-churning). So this is my compromise. And it's yum. Probably even preferable to a real coffee, since it tastes and sweet and indulgent, but is good for me and has lots of protein & calcium.

On Monday I worked with the designer who was happy to hear my pregnancy news recently - the one who gave me a bunch of Peter Rabbit stuff. Although she and I are less close, she is reacting the way I expected my other colleague to act about the pregnancy - the one I told first, and she was just like, "Oh - congrats." So she (the designer) has been fun to chat with about babies, and she said when we find out the sex she's going to start buying me baby gifts. I know she wants kids but is currently single, so I guess she wants to spoil me for now - yay! Coincidentally, we will be working on a nursery together all month long, so that will be fun.

I'm trying to be upbeat today - and the coffee milk seems to be helping - but I've been pretty stressed out and a little depressed lately. Work hasn't been going all that well (long, boring story) and I'm feeling like a bit of a failure. I'm already secretly wishing I could just drop out of the work force to stay at home with my baby, but it is flat out not possible for us. At times I panic slightly at the financial squeeze we are getting ourselves into, and at my worst moments I wonder if I/we are being unfair to this child by bringing him into a family where he will probably never have a lot of nice things, big vacations, etc. I'm totally fine wearing second hand clothes, but is it fair to choose that for my child? I don't know. All I know is that we wanted - we want - to have a family (and for us that includes kids or kid) more than anything. If it meant moving to an apartment and riding the bus, I would rather that than not have children. That's what I want, but is that selfish? Some would say yes - I hate to think that way.

So, woops, I was trying to be upbeat. Right.

Mr. I asked me last night if I've felt the baby kicking yet (no), and said when I do, I should let him know. As if I would forget! Haha. I've let him know every time I thought my belly might be a millimeter larger or smaller, I'm sure I will remember to let him know when I feel the baby make the slightest flutter. I'm so impatient for that moment. Yesterday I was home a lot, and sitting at the computer constantly asking myself whether 'that' was gas or baby, gas or baby. My mother-in-law says I won't have to wonder when it happens, I'll know, but I am on the alert for the tiniest flutter here!