40 weeks (and 2 days)

I feel great this morning, and that makes me sad. I think that Miles plans to stay inside forever.

I'm sure that from the outside my whining seems utterly irrational, since I will have my baby sooner than later, but let me try to explain what's stressing me out about being past 40 with no labor signs in sight.

A natural birth has been my aim since the beginning. I "tried" not to become overly emotionally attached to this idea since I know, logically at least, that I am not truly in control of the process. But it's difficult to prepare for natural birth without becoming emotionally invested in it. I have eaten healthfully, I have done yoga almost every day for six months, I have meditated many times, I have consulted a doula, I have read books about natural childbirth, I have visualized the birth I desire over and over. I can't help but feel I have invested 40 weeks into this and I don't want to be cheated out of my goal.

Every day that ticks by past 40 weeks, I feel one step further away from that birth. Every day he gets a little bigger. Every day the specter of induction looms larger, and along with it increased chances of pain medication and emergency C-section. Most bewilderingly, there is no right answer to when I should give up on waiting. My doctor doesn't want me to go past 41 weeks, but of course it's ultimately my choice. My husband doesn't want me to go past 41 weeks since that's what my doctor recommended, because he's concerned about my safety. And additionally, every day that goes by I hear my doctor's warnings about decreased movement echoing in my head and I worry that baby is running out of fluid, or nourishment, or in distress in some other unknown way.

Every day when I go to bed without having had the baby, every morning when I wake up without having gone into labor during the night, I feel totally deflated. I even feel a personal sense of failure. I have never wanted to be one of those women whose birth doesn't go as planned and feels personally let down and bitter about it, so it's frustrating that it looks like I'm headed that way.

Meanwhile it's hard to tune out the cacophony of check-ins, personal anecdotes, and advice. People asking every day if he's here yet. People suggesting I try walking, sex, spicy foods, driving down bumpy roads - we've done it all, and I'm telling you there is no magic trigger. People telling me (online or in real life) they were at two, or three, or four centimeter dilated for eleventy billion years before they went into labor. My stepmom told me last night that she was 2 cm on her due date and went into labor 9 days late... she ended up with the whole epi, stalled labor, emergency Cesarean deal. This is not encouraging. It seems like everyone who has anything to say at this point is not saying what I want to hear. When people say anything to the effect of "hopefully you won't make it until ____" at this point I just want to scream. Every "your baby will be here soon" doesn't satisfy me. I suppose nothing will but the onset of labor.

Bubbling underneath all this are the hormones, ohhh the hormones. Ultimately this may be why I'm so unable to get a grip. Anyone who tries to comfort me by telling me everything will work out, or that I just need to relax and give up control... I hear them, but it does not compute emotionally. I have generally not been a weepy pregnant woman for the past ten months, but I am now. I feel like crying at least once a day, in that strung-out overwhelmed way that little kids cry and don't even know why they're crying. Part of my inability to control this process is my inability to control my emotions at this point - they're just all consuming. So, apologies for the negative posting at what, objectively, is a happy time. Blame the placenta head.