40 week appointment

Had my appointment today, it went fine. Blood pressure is still good and I've gained no more weight. I don't know exactly how this works but Dr. J said I look like I've dropped more and my belly is now only 36cm (38 last week) but his head is at the same station.

I did the non stress test... it was fun for my mom and sister to hear the heartbeat. I think I was hooked up for 10 or 15 minutes, maybe a little more if you count the first try when the paper jammed in the machine - we had to start again. Morning is not an active time for Miles so I only got four mild movements, which is plenty, but slow for him. What I found amusing was that I had ONE contraction (painless tightening) the entire time I was on there, which lately is typical. It's just so ironic that I spent the better part of weeks 24-34 constantly worrying about having a ton of Braxton Hicks contractions, and now when I need them, nada. Maybe I have to go back to work and start climbing ladders again to get this baby to come.

Anyway my internal revealed that I'm now 2 cm (at first she said "One, maybe two... I'm going to call it two" - so I kind of wonder if she was just making me feel better?) and 90% effaced ("pretty thinned out... I called it 70% last time, I think I'm going to call it 90% today). Head is still at "minus one or zero" so let's round that up too.

And she asked me to choose an induction date, asking if we'd picked one yet. I had thought that she was going to pick one for me, so I really hadn't given it much thought. She said to make appointments for Monday and Thursday, and then think about induction maybe around Monday next... but then she said she didn't really want me to go past 41, and I pointed out that is Thursday. She said, "oh, you're right" and told me to talk to Mr. Ibis and choose a date around then.

Then she said, "But I don't think you'll need it." She then turned to my mom and said it was nice meeting her and mom explained that they were here until Tuesday.... Dr. J said kind of teasingly, "Oh! Well... she won't let me induce her!" and my mom said, "Oh no, I wouldn't do that to her." The doctor told my mom, "She'll go on her own." So I reiterated that I should make appointments for Monday and Thursday, and Dr. J said yes but "I don't think you'll get that far" (meaning Thursday) and "maybe we'll see you this weekend."

Sorry, that is the most confusing and poorly written paragraph ever but I am so tired right now. I would love to believe I'm going to go into labor this weekend but at this point I'm feeling pretty jaded and I suspect Dr. J of just trying to keep my flagging spirits up. I probably looked about as worn out as I feel. I feel guilty about actually wanting to schedule an induction at this point, but I actually welcomed the suggestion. It's not even that being pregnant is so unbearable, it's the interminable waiting and not knowing. The idea of having an end date when I KNOW this is going to be over is so appealing now, it's really beginning to loom larger than my dreams of a natural birth. Saying that makes me sad but I am just feeling so burned out right now.