I'm feeling better today. Sleep deprivation really ramped up my distress level yesterday. After my horrible nursing session in the afternoon and after posting my ultimatum, I cried off and on for hours. I haven't cried that much since I lost Baby Wednesday... I was just a mess.
Mr. Ibis came home and I explained to him what was going on, and he was totally sympathetic to my pain and supportive of my plans. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with just pumping and bottle feeding - to him, it's still breastmilk and he doesn't see the big deal about not nursing. I know I'm too much of a perfectionist sometimes, but partly I'm beating myself up for thinking about quitting, and partly I'm heartbroken about not having that bonding experience. It is indescribably sweet to look down at Miles's little face in profile and feel his little hand gently resting on my chest. I don't want to give that up forever.
I took my 12 hour break from nursing and I pumped and bottle fed all night. It was a relief not just from the physical pain but also from the stress of it all. Feedings were simple and straightforward, satisfying for Miles, and he slept fabulously well. And so did I.
This morning I was nervous about nursing again and considered continuing the pump & bottle regimen until after the LLL meeting, but I wanted to see how it went for one day before I go. So I took a prescription ibuprofen at 5 am and nursed at 7 am. My nipples must have healed fairly well, because it didn't hurt. But my nipples did come out of his mouth looking compressed with white lines down the middle, so I know he's still clamping down and we still have a problem. If we can't fix the latch, I'll be back to damaged nipples and screaming pain soon enough.
I now have the additional worry that I misdiagnosed the problem as oversupply and took my supply down too much by block feeding for three days. During the afternoon feeding yesterday one breast was not enough for him. And all night I was only pumping 3 oz combined (both boobs), which is only enough for one feeding at this stage. So now I'm trying to get my supply back up. Argh.
Sorry this is turning into a breastfeeding blog. It's just so all consuming right now. I hope that someday soon I will be able to think about other things.
3 comments:
Please don't hate yourself if you find that you just can't do it. Miles got the colostrum and MUCH MUCH MORE. I tried BFing with D, and had to give up after about a week because my blood pressure was still sky high from the stress of BFing. You're right. It's probably THE hardest thing about a newborn (depending on the newborn, of course) and that combined with sleep deprivation can be an absolute disaster course. If you find that the LLL and the Mom and baby groups are able to help you, awesome, but if not, it doesn't make you a bad mom.
I am eager to see how the LLL meeting went. I went to a LLL meeting as well today, and was able to get some pointers for my one sore nipple. It dawned on me that I might be slacking off on the whole "support the breast in a C hold" department. I tend to stop a minute or two into a feeding so I can Bump, which causes Iris to chomp down because the breast is pulling the nipple out. I'm going to try to be really good about this & see if it improves. Anyway, update us on what you find out.
Don't worry too much about the supply for now. The same thing happened to me, and now he's nursing from both sides. I now get 3 oz from both sides, but I can tell E is far better at emptying my breasts than the pump. I can still feel a little hardness in the very exterior edge, and I can still hand express a little milk afterwards.
Good luck!
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