LLL FAIL

Well, La Leche was a bust.

The topic of the meeting was breastfeeding newborns - how perfect can you get, right? One of the group leaders began the talk and noted that there were a few newborns in the room so she asked us how breastfeeding was going. The other moms said fine, and I said, "it's HARD." I was not going to keep quiet and be overlooked - I thought this would be my moment to get some help. But no.

The leader just went on with her talk and basically fulfilled all the negative stereotypes about La Leche that people have. She said it's not supposed to hurt, if it does you're doing it wrong, you're not supposed to give a pacifier, baby should only comfort suck on the breast, etc. She said something like "some people even think it's okay to just pump and bottle feed!" The horror! Basically I just sat there feeling like the world's worst mom for over an hour as she practically ran down a list of everything I was doing wrong. I was literally sitting there with my baby's pacifier in my hand, feeling like an idiot. And once she was done making me feel like a loser (yes I was taking it all personally, I'm hormonal, what can I say) she even threw in something to make me feel like my husband sucks too. She said when your husband sees you having a tough time and wants to help out, the worst thing he can say is "I'll take the baby and you go take a nap," because that destroys the breastfeeding relationship. Her husband knows to just rub her shoulders and bring her a snack. Well, bully for you, lady.

There were a few pregnant women there and I felt like the whole discussion was geared toward them. The whole thing was very Breastfeeding 101, rah rah go breastfeeding. It was everything you could read in the opening chapter of any breastfeeding book, but nothing more. I feel like this is a huge cultural problem right now, and almost certainly the reason why a large majority of American women start out breastfeeding but drop like flies in the first few weeks: all the focus is on convincing new mothers to breastfeed, but there is almost zero support when you actually try it. It's so frustrating, I'm actually moving past the sad and desperate stage and into righteous anger.

The only saving grace in the whole experience was the other group leader who was hosting the meeting at her house. She happened to be sitting next to me and was a much softer, more compassionate type than the discussion leader. She tuned in to the fact that I was struggling and she spent some time with me as the official talk was winding down. Miles woke up and gave me an opportunity to breastfeed there so she could take a look at the latch. Of course, as these things always go, he managed a decent latch and it wasn't hurting that much at the time. But I explained the chomping and the way my nipple looks smashed after a feeding. Unfortunately, she didn't know what was wrong. She suggested maybe tongue tie, maybe the way his upper lip curls in, but she was pretty much just guessing and couldn't really see what was going wrong just by looking at us. That's basically the same experience I had with the LCs at the hospital - sorry, we just don't know.

She promised to email me some information, which I will undoubtedly have already read since I've read EVERYTHING there is to read about breastfeeding already, and she said she would try to put me in touch with a more experienced LLL leader who might be able to help me.

Here's the cherry on top of the whole fruitless evening. At the end of the meeting (I was there for two hours), I went into the other room to strap Miles into his car seat. Some of the preschool aged girls who'd come with their moms were there snacking on cookies and they gathered around to look at my baby. A cute little four year old looked at me and asked, "Is there another baby in your belly?" I smiled sheepishly and said no. She said, "Oh. Because it kind of... looks like there is." OUCH. Oh, ouch. Kids can be cruel indeed.

So that's the net result of my La Leche experience: it's not supposed to hurt, I'm doing something wrong, in fact I'm doing nearly everything wrong, and I still look pregnant. Good times.