Friday

Nothing much to report from the lactation consultant; she watched us nurse and did all the baby weighing and talked with me about how nursing was going. Miles weighed 9 lbs 13 oz yesterday and drank 4.8 oz of milk. I told her that she saved our breastfeeding experience and that I was really on the verge of quitting when I came to her - she said it was "no wonder with the cracks - crevasses - whatever you'd call them" I had at the time. She thought I was healing well (not 100% healed but close) and everything looked great, including my milk supply.

I asked her how important it is to have a big freezer stash before I go back to work, and she said not very, because I will be pumping at work, but it's nice to have some extra just in case I have any bad pumping days. I haven't been pumping since I last saw her because I just wanted to focus on nursing - but I need to get on it, because I only have maybe 20 oz or less in the freezer, and that's not much of a cushion if he's eating 5 oz at a time now.

I have been renting a pump from the hospital because it was a cheaper short-term option while I've been on leave, but I might have to buy one. Not only because it'll be cheaper than renting long term, but also because the one from the hospital is a BEAST. I didn't realize it until the LC showed me the other Medela models yesterday and how small and handy they are. The Medela Symphony that I'm renting is a tabletop motor about the size of a small toaster, and it goes in a hard carrying case that is at least the size of a bowling ball bag. It's enormous, and that just contains the basic pump parts. I still have to carry a separate bag for the bottles. Add to that a baby in the infant carrier, a diaper bag, a lunch sack for myself, a purse since I will be leaving the diaper bag at daycare. THEN add all the work stuff I may have to lug out to the car too - dropcloths, paint cans, etc. It could take me hours to leave the house in the morning!

I emailed Judy at daycare to let her know that Miles will not have his vaccinations when he starts because I scheduled things a little funky and he'll be a little too young yet. She said that was fine, and asked for his daily routines so she'll have some idea of what to expect. Just mentally planning out what to tell her made me sad about leaving him there.

He eats about every three hours, but sometimes two, and sometimes four. When he's hungry he roots, and says "neh!" and cries. He likes to be held and rocked to sleep and he loves his paci and swing. He usually doesn't get swaddled during daytime naps but you can try it if he won't settle. He doesn't usually cry unless he's hungry or has a wet diaper but sometimes he'll fuss and fight a nap. He likes to be sung to, and to look around, and to stare at his mommy and he likes it when you say BOOBYDOOBYDOO! and kiss his face....

I won't tell her all of those things of course, but just attempting to tell someone how to care for him makes me wonder how she'll catch on to all the little things. I know she will, but I hate to think of him crying as she fumbles to soothe him. YES I am one of those mothers who doesn't like to let her baby cry; look, I'm biologically programmed to respond to him so I am using evolution as an excuse here. It makes me physically ill when he does that hysterical, purple-faced, breath-holding screaming that so far I have only heard him do in the car when I can't get to him before he reaches that point. I'm sure she'll do a good job. Right? Right?

It occurred to me also that he's slept on a flat surface like a crib... once? Maybe twice? Maybe that's something I should start practicing next week. At night he sleeps either with me or in the newborn napper of his pack and play, which is a soft little nest. During the day he naps either with me or in the swing, which again is a soft, curved surface. I'll have to try putting him in the crib or bassinet and at least see what he'll do, because I'm sure she doesn't have a newborn napper and I doubt he'll be able to hog the swing all day every day.

I'm so dreading returning to work. I think I can handle leaving Miles for a few hours (I think), but I am dreading going back to the stress of my job. I've already gotten a preview of it through emailing one of my designers, who's just being a big snot about my first job back, which is typical. The worst part about my job is dealing with the bratty, entitled people I sometimes work for - they drive me so batty I just hate it. Hopefully when Mr. I gets his new job and higher pay I can eventually start to be a little more choosy and not have to work for the really bitchy people who make my life so stressful.