How to be a Mom

I like to read. So when I'm interested in anything, be it dog training or gardening or cooking, one of my first impulses is to read up and learn all about it. When I was pregnant, I had two month by month pregnancy guides, borrowed another two from the library, read two or three more online, and whenever I stopped by a bookstore would browse through every other pregnancy guide in existence, even though after two or three those things get pretty repetitive.

And yet, I have not picked up a parenting book and have strictly limited my infant care guide reading. Why? Because my love of learning can quickly spiral into being too literal, too by the book, too influenced, and ultimately too perfectionistic. I knew when I was still pregnant that I wanted to try letting instinct and intuition be my guides through parenting, instead of a bunch of authors and PhDs. I didn't want my relationship with my child to become permeated with other people's thoughts, other people's opinions, other people's directions.

And I find that I don't even have much of a desire to pick up those books. I go to the library or bookstore and I still head to the parenting and infant care sections to peruse titles and read blurbs. But there is little appeal. All I see blaring at me from the shelves is the message, HERE IS HOW TO DO IT RIGHT. And I don't feel a pressing need to be perfect at this.

Beyond that, at a gut level I find the idea of instruction manuals a bit absurd when it comes to kids, or at least babies, since my experience so far is limited to infants up to 7 weeks. The way I see it is babies lead the way. I've never had to tell Miles to eat enough to gain an ounce a day, I never taught him to look at brightly colored objects in order to expand his mind, I haven't instructed him on how to smile, and yet he has done all of these things. I see my job as just being there, ready to give him what he needs, and doing my best to keep up with the rapid pace of his growth and development. He leads, I just follow.

Sleep training? That is a concept I find particularly laughable. Would I like to sleep for a solid eight hours again? Yes, I sure would. That would be lovely for me. But Miles wakes up because he's hungry or has peed all over himself (seriously, diapers are just a messy game of chance). Am I supposed to "train" him out of feeling hungry or urinating during the night? Or just leave him hungry and uncomfortable? Last night he was up every two hours to eat. I was not thrilled about being up every two hours, but I see that as just part of the experience. I don't really understand the need to exert control over babies' natural rhythms. In the grand scheme of life, who cares if I have to sleep in shifts for several months? This is just a brief moment in time.

I don't consider myself a devotee of "Attachment Parenting," for starters because I've read exactly zero of the literature, but generally because I'm not interested in buying into a parenting dogma. I'm just loving my son and trying to keep him safe and happy. I don't believe that if I do one thing "wrong" I'm going to ruin him. I think making mistakes is part of this process and it doesn't scare me to think that I'm not the perfect mother.

The one book about parenting I have really enjoyed is Momma Zen by Karen Maezen Miller. I'm not a Buddhist or even a quasi-Buddhist, but I love the simple message of this book: let go of control. Be happy. I just finished it last night and immediately went back to the beginning to start over again. I want to keep reminding myself of the central concept: you can't control everything, so stop trying. Be in the moment, enjoy your child, enjoy life.