Working Nine to... One

I've only "officially" been back to work for a little over two weeks, so I suppose I should give myself more time to achieve a good work-life balance, but I'm definitely not achieving it now, and it's the work end that's suffering. I was rather gently informed yesterday that the client is not thrilled with my slow progress on the current job. What, you mean going to work for four hours a day is unsatisfactory?

I've always been this way, particularly when I'm not that interested or invested in my work (which at times has been schoolwork). When I went college my dad told me essentially that one's mental & emotional wellbeing was always a perfectly worthwhile reason to let work obligations slide. And I took that as gospel, sometimes to a fault.

One of the reasons why I do what I do for a living is that I am, usually, invested in the work and my performance. I want to do well. When my jobs in the past have been less than compelling, I've performed them very poorly. So it's important that I care.

Right now, unfortunately, I just don't care. I live for the end of the day, for Friday, for the end of the job. I can't find motivation in a job well done and even the money just isn't as alluring as it used to be.

I don't actually want to be a stay at home mom (I think). I want to like my job again, or at least care about it - I just don't. I think it's possible that part of this is some kind of breastfeeding hormonal stew, and I'm sure much of it is just adjustment, transition, realignment. But it's tough. I drag myself through abbreviated workdays and conjure up ridiculous reasons to go home early. When I get home I don't even think about work. I struggle to remember to make samples or essential phone calls, because these things just don't seem to matter, even when they must be done.

And beyond all that I am EXHAUSTED. Last night I hit some kind of physical zenith of bone-melting fatigue. I have become notorious for falling asleep watching TV, but usually I'll be fighting it for a while before I drift away. Last night it was like one minute I was watching Survivor like a normal person, and the next thing I knew it was an hour later and I felt like I was emerging from a month long coma. I was sitting on the couch with my mouth literally hanging open. My body lacked the strength to even close my jaw. I had to get up and get in pajamas, brush my teeth, move up to bed, but I couldn't move a muscle. It was uncanny and overwhelming.

I think I can finish this job on Monday or maybe first thing Tuesday and then I should have at least five days off, and I need them. Desperately.