I had kind of a hard time over the weekend. My confidence about mothering abilities sunk to a new low... I know part of it was sleep deprivation, part cranky teething baby, but also part something more intangible.
Some small events contributed to my malaise:
1. Miles's awful night on Friday when he was up every hour, maybe because of something I ate.
2. Mr. I consulting the AAP book for advice on teething and finding that a 4 month old "should be" down to one or zero nighttime feedings and sleeping through the night, plus you should only use a swing for a half hour twice a day "because it is no substitute for your attention" (up yours AAP!), plus the teething tablets are bunk. Jesus, way to make me feel like crap!
3. Sunday I was home alone with Miles and felt like a big turd trying to make him nap in the crib and gah I just felt like I sucked totally.
3a. I watched a 60 minutes segment on how phthalate exposure for pregnant women may be causing "incomplete masculinization" of baby boys, including hypospadias, which M didn't end up having but the pedi was watching out for due to his shorter foreskin, which made me feel like a bad mom AGAIN....
It's difficult for me to not know if I'm doing something right. I do my best, but when I'm unsure or insecure or feel like I don't know what I'm doing, I look around for help. The trouble is, with parenting there are a million ways to do everything, and every source you consult contradicts the next one, sometimes saying the complete opposite of the last thing you read. It would be easier if I could swallow whole one entire dogma or informational source - if I were totally devoted to AAP, or Dr. Sears, or the Baby Whisperer, or whomever - but I'm not.
The other confusing aspect of this is that there doesn't seem to be any kind of yardstick for me to measure whether I'm doing well or not. What works in the moment may not be beneficial long term, but how am I to know the end result if it won't become evident for months or years?
Trust me, I wish I weren't so neurotic. I know a few parents who seem so confident, and they're probably doing some things wrong, and some right, but they don't get caught up in that at all. They just do what seems best to them and feel fine about it. Maybe I can get there, or maybe that's just not my personality, I don't know.
Today I should have been happy that Miles slept through the night, but instead I was just guilty. Guilty, guilty, guilty, all day long. Guilty that I deprived him of a proper nap in the morning with my stupid crib napping project, guilty that the poor boy must have been so exhausted he fell into a deep sleep for 10 hours, which of course I had just finished reading Dr. Sears's dumb website saying that's not even good for babies and BLEHHHH.
Sometimes I just need a break from my own crazy mind.
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