Separation Anxiety

Mine, not his.

First, a side note: the diapering plan did not work. I started out last night with Nana's AIO stuffed with a gcloth for good measure. Changed to the Bum Genius around midnight. That thing was stuffed with a Flip insert and gcloth, so full I don't think Miles could have crawled if he'd tried. But in the morning: pee on the pajamas. When I changed the diaper both inserts were sopping. This kid just pees too much overnight. I know some people use a disposable one size up for overnight, so I may have to try a size 4 Huggi.es and see if that works. I would love to go all cloth (except for daycare) but it doesn't look like it's going to be possible.

I did not send Miles to daycare at all last week because of his cold and the fact that I wasn't working anyway. I have to tell you, something I did not expect is that I still feel sad about bringing him to daycare. The worst is the night before, when I'm reading in bed and hearing his peaceful sleepy breathing beside me. It's still hard for me to focus on my work when I have it. I enjoy being home with him more than I ever thought I would. Even when it gets tough, I miss him terribly when I'm not with him. But being a stay at home mom is off the table - we can't afford it, no way, no how.

In fact, Mr. Ibis's newish job that he started last spring was bringing in enough money that I didn't have to work as much, which was nice, feeling less pressure to work, being able to be home more without the guilt and anxiety that comes with not having a job booked. But then, of course, nothing good ever seems to last when it comes to work & money. They're changing his run in such a way that may mean both fewer hours for him AND bigger daycare bills (since he won't be here during the day 3 times a week), a double whammy that has put the pressure back on me. We don't know the details for sure yet, but it's probably going to make things a wee bit harder. I don't want to be selfish - I realize that it's going to be easier for him to not work a crazy night shift, and that's the upside.

I have all these plans to expand and grow my business, but it's been so hard for me to focus on that when I have this baby. This beautiful, funny boy. I thought it would be easier to part with him as he grows and becomes more independent, but if anything it becomes harder to part with him as he grows and becomes more curious and silly and adventurous and affectionate and adorable. I'm sure this is some sort of karma bitchslap since in my pre-mothering days I was always one of the first in line to look down my nose at stay-at-home moms for being unambitious and kid-centric. But honestly if money were a non-issue I would totally put my career on hold for 5 years or more, long enough to see Miles off to school and his someday little sibling too.

No one warned me about this. That falling in love with a sweet little newborn is not a passing delirium, but just the beginning.