Deep Thoughts

Within the past week I have talked to two moms, moms of multiple children, older children than mine, two moms who both happened to have "easy" babies as their first children, followed by more challenging babies. They both described to me (uncannily in very similar words) how when their more spirited children came along (you like my euphemisms?), they cried and cried and despaired that they were bad moms, their children hated them, they did not know how to mother these children, etc. And they were both told by their pediatricians that the quiet, easy babies they had before were actually the "abnormal" ones and the new, wild babies were totally and completely normal and not bad and they were NOT bad mothers, at all (maybe they have the same pediatrician? Heh).

I'm not a believer in signs or messages from the universe, but let's just say that having this conversation TWICE in a week was definitely helpful for me.

Sleep challenges continue but I'm a lot less angsty about it. That's because I've come to the conclusion that some babies are born good sleepers, and some not so good. I don't think I've done anything wrong, or failed to sleep train or what have you, I think that Miles is just an extraordinarily light sleeper and also a very active baby. That's who he is and no amount of "training" is going to make him otherwise. I can tell you that once you remove the anxiety from the picture, these kinds of challenges are a lot less stressful.

When I was pregnant with Miles he used to kick me a bazillion times a day and I used to wonder if that meant he would be an active baby. Boy howdy. Actually, because of course I'm neurotic and paranoid I used to wonder more about whether he was kicking enough, so my doctor had me write down my kick counts. I hope I kept that little book but I fear I tossed it. I remember the first time I called in my kick counts to the nurse, I read off the first number and she audibly gasped. Because it was so high. I used to count for 30 minutes at a time and most of my numbers were in the 40-60 range. If you are reading this while pregnant, THAT'S A LOT so don't compare your fetus to my crazy kung fu fetus and get worried.

That was a pretty good predictor of personality, as it turns out. I swear he wanted to get moving from the day he was born. He wanted to be walked around the house all day as a newborn - not just held, moved around. Or swinging. I think the most frustrating period was around 4-8 months when he could see all around him but couldn't get anywhere. At that stage he wanted to be walked around some more, but on his feet so he could touch everything.... Crawling and cruising have made him so much happier because now he can do what he's dreamed of doing since he popped out of my belly - GET INTO EVERYTHING!

He's active. He's curious. My favorite descriptor is "adventurous." There are other words I could use, like "challenging," at times "demanding," or "a bad sleeper." One of my least favorites is "high need," the label that Dr. Sears invented for babies that want to be held a lot, eat often, are easily awoken, etc... he was attempting to create a less negative moniker but I find "high need" off-putting because to me it sounds so permanent, like a chronic and incurable illness. I feel that words matter and the words you use to describe your child, even in your head, can shape the way you feel about him and interact with him. And anyway, most of the time I find Miles to be funny, adorable, entertaining, and sweet. It's just that he sometimes will wake up from sleep if you so much as look at him sideways.

Before I had Miles I heard the advice to make plenty of noise around your sleeping baby because this would supposedly make him sound-proof and I thought that sounded awesome. And so easy to follow! I mean, who wouldn't want to try that out. But it did not work. Miles was a typical newborn in that he slept like a champ in the beginning... he wasn't colicky, he napped a lot, la dee dah. I made noise around him, the dog barked, he napped at daycare with other babies who cried and hollered, he slept on, all was well. It's just that that didn't stick. He is a crazy light sleeper now.

Science still hasn't answered the question of whether nature or nurture is a bigger force in shaping people's personalities and behaviors, and if scientists who devote their professional lives to studying that debate can't solve it, I don't expect to just by sitting here ruminating on it. But my gut instinct? Nature is a very large piece of the pie.

When Miles was born and I first looked at his face, I remember being thunderstruck by the way he seemed so fully formed. Not just physically, but in every way a complete, though very new, person. It's hard to explain how you can sense that a two-minute-old being who only knows how to eat, poop, and sleep, can have a personality, but you just know they do.

Then I think when you slip back into the world of Google and parenting books you fall into this illusion of thinking babies are so malleable, but really? I am beginning to feel quite sure that they're not. They're teachable, obviously, but I've become convinced that they are their own little people already. Day one. They have a kind of individual integrity and I think it makes everyone happier when you can respect (ew, mushy hippie words!) them for who they are.

I mean, yeah. It's exhausting. I think that Judy is going to have a mental breakdown if she has to do one more napless day with Miles, and I feel for her. But I do think that a good deal of the stress has to do with believing you have control over aspects of parenting that maybe you really don't. I'm not saying "it's okay to be imperfect" because to me even that implies that you could do it all perfectly if you were perfect, but the thing is, you're not wrangling a vacuum cleaner or a spreadsheet, you're wrangling a tiny person who is himself not perfect. Even if he looks like he might be.