(Almost) Totally Non Baby Related

We went on a playdate yesterday and had a lovely time. But I did a bad thing. I... kinda lied. Not explicitly, but it was a pretty bald lie-by-omission. I allowed the other moms I was with to think I am a Christian. And I do that often, living here.

I find that, in the Midwest (Great Plains rather?), the one thing it's not okay to be is an atheist. Everyone is Christian here, no matter how much they may defy the Christian-Conservative stereotype in every other way. And I... am a coward. I fear exposing myself and being rejected. I fear that admitting I don't believe in things like God, or prayer, or blessings, will brand me a Satanist baby-eater. The one group where I can let my Atheist Flag fly is among the small group of Jewish friends we have here, who are mostly atheists or agnostics themselves.

In fact I relate to Jewish people well in that sense, because just as many of them are "cultural Jews" who observe many Jewish traditions and holidays and may even attend services, just don't believe in God, I feel kind of like a "cultural Christian" in that I was raised Christian, I understand the culture, I remember a great deal of Biblical scripture and theology, I just don't believe in God.

The problem is that I am "passing" as a religious person, and that makes me a hypocrite. I never lie outright, but I have an excellent cover. My brother-in-law is a pastor, and that fact usually comes out in the "how I ended up moving here" story. Oddly enough, most people assume that if I have a pastor in my family (even family-by-marriage), I must be a Christian. The farthest the inquiry ever goes is someone might ask if I go to his church, and I will truthfully say not really, I've only been a couple of times. But that's not the whole story.

I've got to kick this bad habit by the time Miles is old enough to realize I'm a big phony, at the very latest. It's not even that I think Christians are a bunch of meanies who will ostracize me for my non-belief; I think it comes down to the fact that I have been hiding this side of me from my fundamentalist dad for so long that it's become an entrenched behavior for me. And, you know, making friends is tough... I'm still trying to establish new friendships in a not-so-new city so I slip into this don't-rock-the-boat mentality a lot. Gotta work on that.