Playdates

We had another playdate yesterday, slightly different configuration of people and I don't know if was me, or someone else, or the chemistry, but it felt more awkward.

I am a lot less insecure than I used to be. A LOT. But I still have this one persistent and completely irrational insecurity that whenever there is a socially awkward moment in my presence, it must be my fault. Even if there are two other people there, and say the conversation stalls for a minute or two, there is a panicky crazy person in my head saying IT'S BECAUSE OF ME! In the moment this is totally convincing, and it's only later that I can look back and know that I'm just nuts.

I'm not always like that, but I have my days.

Then there is this other slightly odd issue. I'm too lazy to google the actual ages and parameters, but younger babies do what is called "parallel play," a fancy term that means they mostly ignore each other. They might look at each other and smile and coo but they play by themselves. As they get older they start to interact more, and for some babies? This means taking toys, throwing toys, hitting (eek!), screaming, etc. After all they're still infants and the concept of sharing is still a long ways off.

Miles is a big imitator these days. He imitates the dog whining, he imitates other babies crying or talking, and he wants to do whatever the dog or bigger kids/people are doing, which includes taking their toys to play with himself. Totally normal. He also is a bit stubborn/determined and will scream if you prevent him from touching someone he wants to touch. Also normal.

Another baby there is close to his age, and he's going through a phase of throwing things and hitting you when you do something he doesn't like. I happen to think these are normal baby behaviors too and not that big a deal. I mean, obviously everyone wants to teach their kid not to hit people, but I don't think those behaviors mean he's bratty or mean or even "being bad." They just mean he's a smart baby who has figured out a way to get people to stop doing things he doesn't like.

But you can imagine the uncomfortable moments this creates, when you have a toy-stealing baby and a hitting baby together and two parents who don't know each other that well yet. I haven't figured out a pleasant, non-judgmental, laid back way of saying, "Obviously you can discipline your son however you want, but I just want you to know that it doesn't bother me if they squabble a bit... I'm not freaking out because your boy slapped my boy's arm a little."

It seems like it would be easy to say, so why does it feel so hard? I "believe" in letting kids argue a little on their own as long as no one gets hurt... but what if she doesn't like that at all? What if she thinks that my son is being a brat by stealing toys and I am a permissive parent for letting him do it? There are so many differing parenting styles out there it sometimes feels impossible not to step on any toes in the ordinary course of an innocent playdate. Life must have been simpler when everyone in a given culture at a given time pretty much parented the same way. Not that I want to return to that. But it must have had its advantages!

I don't know if I seem super opinionated on this blog... it's a lot easier, of course, to be or at least seem super opinionated on the internets. As I sit here contemplating my navel I might create the impression that I think I know it all. But in real life, I actually have a very laissez faire attitude about differing beliefs and parenting practices. Despite my annoying tendency to begin sentences with "I read this thing about...", I mostly don't judge people for doing things differently than me. I mostly do things intuitively and figure everyone else is doing pretty much the same, and intuitions will vary among individuals. I assume that not everyone reads 10,000 parenting books and also that they do not need to - I'm just a nerd like that (I also read 10,000 books about dogs when I got a dog). So if you ever find yourself on a playdate with me, rest assured I am far less likely to be judging you than to be frantically obsessing over whether you are judging me!