The Stories of others

It's been about six weeks since my miscarriage and the condolences have petered out. But, to my surprise, we received a card today from my aunt - my mother's sister - with whom I have never been terribly close, because she always lived far away. The card says,

When you were quite small Uncle & I lost a baby that I carried for 6 months before learning it had died. I carried it for another 3+ months and then finally had a short labor. That year was the worst year of my life. I know the feelings of sorrow, disappointment, and depression that you are experiencing. I can tell you it will get better, and that you shouldn't be afraid to try again. Look to each other for support. Our prayers are with you.

Although it has been a little while since I cried, this card made me tear up. I was touched that she wrote to me and shared her story. I was amazed that I never knew this. My aunt had two young children at the time that that happened, and she had two more after that. I can't even imagine how painful it must have been to have to carry your dead child for three months, to term, and then deliver, knowing that the baby was already gone. How unspeakably devastating that must have been - I see my aunt in a new light now.

I wonder why my mom never shared this with me... I mean, I guess I don't really, since my mom has shared very little with me over the years. It was only after I had my miscarriage and asked her for a complete medical history that I found out how her dad died, or that her mom never actually had breast cancer (as I'd thought), only benign tumors. I guess for her these things aren't talked about.

But I do not want to do it that way. When we have a child, I would like to let him or her know that he or she once had a brother or sister that was growing in mom's belly and died. When he or she has grown up, I would like to tell him or her that I lost my first pregnancy, so that they will know this happens, and that people get through it. Silence is not healing; it's hushing. It's obscuring. It's confusing. The people who have opened up to me about their miscarriages, people I've known, in some cases, all my life without knowing this about them, have touched me deeply - have helped me understand life more fully. There is a world of insight to be gained from knowing that other people have been through loss and grief and gone on to find happiness, and this is a lesson I dearly wish to share with my children someday.