Turning the page

Yesterday was another rough day. I went to my interview at 8:30am, I felt confident, I looked good, I was prepared for the interview. The people who worked at the branch all looked young and attractive and fun, the interviewers were friendly and personable. I thought I did a good job. A few hours later the employment agency called to say the company had liked me, but I was beat out by someone a little better. Fine. They said a different branch of the same company wanted to interview me - with an hour's notice! - for a different position that sounded a little easier (data entry).

I was a little deflated by this, because the interview was pretty hard the first time and I did not want to do it all over again... it was hard to psych myself up for it all over again. Google the "STAR" method of interviewing and you'll see what I had to do. I didn't understand why they couldn't just hand my answers over to the other branch, but fine, I accepted the second interview.

The second branch was totally dreary, it smelled, everyone there looked like your typical miserable data entry clerks. My interviewers this time were unfriendly and I could sense immediately that they didn't like me. As I was delivering my first answer, the one girl said she'd spaced out halfway through and could I repeat myself! So rude. The waves of disdain were just rolling off her. By the time we got to question three I just felt miserable. I was bombing and I knew it.

I went home and as the hours ticked by, a knot formed in my chest. Finally the agency called me after 5:00 - of course they save the rejects for last - and let me know that I was not chosen for the position. Earlier in the day they were friendly and encouraging, but now they coldly told me to just check the online job listings and let them know if I saw anything else. I got off and phone and burst into tears.

I felt completely defeated. I'd been passed over for a data entry job that any high school graduate with half a brain could do. I just felt like the whole world was telling me NO, NO, NO at every turn. I was humiliated and despairing. Mr. Ibis came home shortly after that and he tried to talk me out of my funk, alternating between being encouraging and totally frustrated with me for being so crushed by losing a job I didn't even really want. But it wasn't the job, it was the rejection, the disappointment, the failure at every turn... I cried for an hour, just utterly at sea.

Finally I pulled myself together. I felt depressed but I put it out of my mind while we ate dinner, drank a beer, watched some TV, and went to sleep.

In the morning, I woke up to a feeling of dread. That feeling when you wake up and think - oh no, I thought that was all just a bad dream. I felt the taxes, the job situation, the miscarriage, my dying grandfather, all our troubles pressing down on me like an iron fist. I rolled into Mr. Ibis's arms and he rubbed my back a little while we talked a bit about what we are facing and what we're going to do about it all. Suddenly I felt a change come over me. I thought with a new clarity, this is my life. And I'm going to own it. Everything will be okay eventually, it's just going to take longer than we thought for everything to work out.

We got up and sat on the couch reading and drinking coffee. I thought about how I have known plenty of people who struggled in young adulthood, families with children who lived in poverty for years, but they had homes and food on the table and they made it through, and most of them ended up doing just fine and even prospering. I realized that, maybe we're a little older than the typical young struggling family, but that's okay. If we have to live a little longer to work it all out, then hey, we're healthy people, that's what we'll do. I don't even want to be a wealthy person, all I want is to have my husband by my side and to raise a family with him, and we can do that. We'll make it work. If it means we're kind of poor forever, so what. I don't need an extra sofa bed to make me happy - it's not about things.

So now, here I am. I have all the same challenges ahead of me, but the weight has lifted from my shoulders. I believe that we're going to be okay, despite the odds. Sometimes blind faith is all that gets a person through life, but if that's what works, that's how I'll proceed.