Sunday night I had a very long, horrifying dream in which I found out that a good friend and also my brother's girlfriend were both pregnant, and then that both of them miscarried. I'll skip all the details, but I woke myself up crying in my sleep. As I awoke, I was feeling the low, dull, rumbly cramps that I had for a day or two before I started spotting with my miscarriage, and it freaked me out badly. I tried to go to sleep but I was scared, had to pee, felt sick, was wide awake, and was also very hungry.
So I just got up, even though it was only 4:30am, and of course I headed to the bathroom first to see if I was spotting at all (no). I had a bowl of Cheerios, wrote in my journal, and then read on the couch until I fell back to sleep for a little while. When I was awake I didn't feel any cramping, but it seemed like every time I started to drift off again, I felt them... so maybe it was a dream state or something, I don't know.
It was really hard to shake the fear in the morning, and so I was feeling a lot of anxiety and a little resultant depression yesterday. Then we went to a family cookout for several hours and since the family knows my news, the women were all talking with me about how I'm feeling and things like that for a while. Having other people talk about it actually makes me feel a little more confident somehow, so that buoyed me for a while. My sister-in-law's mom, who was a nurse in the maternity ward for many years, pointed out that I was so sick with some sort of flu with my first pregnancy, that was probably hard on the baby. Although I don't think cold and flu can actually affect a fetus, I understood that she was trying to reassure me that things will go better this time, and it did work actually.
Then by the end of the day yesterday I felt hugely bloated, my boobs enormous and hurting, and I fell into a hard nap on the couch around dinnertime... making me feel "more pregnant" once again.
BUT then here we are this morning, I woke up feeling anxious again, my stomach upset, and I'm feeling a little bit of mild cramping or pressure that I know can be totally normal and harmless, but I'm freaked out.
Oh yeah, and this is how crazy I am... when we got home from the cookout I kept thinking about taking my PNV since I normally take it with dinner. But I was SO drowsy I felt almost drunk... I wandered around aimlessly for a while before passing out on the couch. When I woke up I couldn't remember if I'd taken my PNV or just thought about it. So I took one. But then I was up half the night freaking out that I'd taken two and I was overdosing on Vitamin A and going to cause birth defects in the baby. AAAGH! I am losing it.
I just keep telling myself over and over that I have to accept whatever will be with this pregnancy. Agonizing over it isn't going to change anything, it's just going to make me miserable. Trusting my body is the only option that offers me any shred of sanity and peace.
However, I am reconsidering the idea of leaving it up to my doctor whether or not to give me an ultrasound at my first appointment next week. I may request it as a mental health requirement... at this point, I really need something to grab onto.
3 comments:
Peace of mind is what you need right now and there's no doubt that getting yourself worked up makes you feel worse. It's understadable for you to be feeling anxious but I'm sure that all is well and that baby is growing perfectly.
Tell the DR at your appt that you want a scan, there's no harm in insisting on it.
Take care xx
That is odd, that we had m/c dreams on the same night... I also have an appt next week and I will request an ultrasound no matter what. I need that piece of mind, and there's nothing wrong with that.
I feel the same way too. There's nothing we can do to change the way our pregnancies are going, but we need to keep positive for our mental health. Hang in there, hun, we'll get through this.
Those days are the worst. I hope your appointment puts your mind at ease.
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