Defeat, and Redemption

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I won't get into all the boring details of my work, but the gist is, I need to polish 500 square feet of wall & ceiling, which means very physically strenuous rubbing with steel wool for hours at a time. And physically, I broke down yesterday afternoon. I couldn't go on, I was past my deadline, and I fell apart.

I wasted a bunch of time going from store to store looking for a certain tool that might help, and couldn't find it... and so I broke down in tears in Ace Hardware. I had to practically run out of the store to hide the fact that I was crying over sandpaper.

When I got home, I just couldn't deal. I didn't call the designer to let her know I wasn't finished, because I couldn't handle it. I was beyond stressed out. I felt totally helpless and ashamed of myself for not being able to do my job. I've broken out in eczema on my eyelids in the past couple of weeks, purely from stress. I worried about work all night and woke up feeling sick with dread.

Then I went in, and I got a good hour of work in. My body was fresh and I made good progress. And then I started to slow down again. But at 10am in walks the designer, and I just fessed up and let her know what was going on. She said, with concern, that I was breathing pretty heavily and I should just stop before I hurt myself. She said she would finish it herself at some point, and she was really nice about it. She had been criticizing the work last week, but today she was positive and encouraging, and she even took me out to lunch. I said I might try to bring my husband by to help this week, and she said she would love it if I could, but if not don't worry.

Phew.

It's hard for me to admit I can't do as much anymore, because I'm so afraid of being phased out. I'm a one woman show, and if people don't want to use me because they think my work is slipping, there is nothing I can do about it. But obviously it's time for me to face reality: I can still work, but I can't do everything. Polishing plaster is extremely demanding even for a non-pregnant person... probably most women couldn't do it at all, never mind while 4 1/2 months pregnant. I'm playing with fire if I push myself too hard... I could really hurt myself at this point. I am lucky that I feel so good, but I won't feel good if I pull a muscle or throw my back out.

So I feel better today. The designer brought in some furniture and the room is looking seriously great. This is a really huge deal because it's going to be in a kind of exhibition, and will be professionally photographed - possibly even make the newspaper and/or local magazines, with my name on it. I've been getting a lot of compliments from other workers and from the random tourists who have been trickling through. I heard one lady say "this is my favorite room so far," before the furniture was even in... so I'm getting excited.