I had another bad dream about losing the baby last night. In this one I started bleeding, but not for very long - but we were on vacation so I had to wait to see my doctor and find out what was going on. I think these dreams are stemming from my anxiety about the ultrasound - the agony of waiting to find out whether or not everything is okay. 5 more days.
I have a day off today - so needed. I probably sound spoiled with how many days I get off work, but my job can be so high pressure, I sometimes feel like I will go crazy if I don't get some extra downtime. My wonderful husband went with me to the job after he was done with work (8 hours of physical labor already under his belt) and helped me finish my room. Love him. I wish I could say I thanked him in ways other than verbal, but the truth is I totally crashed out early and was asleep by the time he came to bed.
So after I dropped him off this morning I came home and got back in bed, read for a few minutes, and fell back asleep for an hour or so. Then I did my yoga and had a midmorning snack before getting on the computer to play around. My plans for the day include depositing a check and going to Goodwill to look for black slacks for Mr. I and another pair of workout pants for me since I am down to two pairs of work pants now.
I'm sitting here trying to figure out if I can feel the baby moving or not. Since last Saturday I haven't felt that rolling motion again, though I think I have felt more light kicks. I wish it were more obvious - I need reassurance! I thought since I'm pretty in tune with my body that I would be able to tell fairly early when baby is moving, but it is so much more confusing and ambiguous than I expected. So far.
I wish I didn't have to spend a single moment of this pregnancy filled with anxiety the way I am right now. I've tried a little bit to use some positive visualization to comfort myself about the baby's health, but I find that I'm actually afraid to imagine good things. I think it's because one of the most emotionally painful things about our miscarriage was the sense of falling from such a great height to such a devastating low... the disillusionment of believing so wholeheartedly that everything was going to be better than fine, only to find out that it was not, at all. That's what I'm most afraid to go through again. It's as though if I expect bad news, I can't be hurt in that way again. But that's not the way I want to experience this pregnancy. I just know that when it's all over I will miss being pregnant, since in fact physically it's going amazingly well, and I will regret every day that I spent being fearful and full of dread. But it's very hard to move out that state of fear and anxiety. I try. That's all I can say.
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