Epic Sleep Fail

I broke my rule about not reading sleep manuals. Or, rather, I cheated. I was at the library yesterday and I read through parts of a few books. I suppose I should have had a clue about how insightful these books are when I felt like reaching through the pages to slap the authors... "create a bedtime routine" - REALLY? You got published for that nugget of wisdom? "Keep the lights low and minimize distractions for night feedings." GROUNDBREAKING!

Ahem. I'm sorry. So I read these dumb books, particularly the parts about 3 month olds. I divined that the only thing I wasn't doing that They (oh how They are becoming my favorite people) say to do was attempting to soothe Miles back to sleep at some of his night wakings, rather than feeding him right away. They said supposedly his 11pm (ish) feeding should be the last one and he should be able to last until morning on that - and guess what, 4 am is not morning by Their definition. He should be able to last until 6 or 7.

Mr. I was out of town last night so I figured what the hell, I'll give this a shot. What could go wrong?

First, bedtime. We have a bedtime routine, I love it, Miles seems to love it. I bring him upstairs and lay him on the bed and talk and smile for a minute or two. Then swaddle him up, give him his paci, lay him in the co-sleeper. I lay down beside it and read him Goodnight Moon. He watches every page with great interest. Have I described this before? I'm having deja vu. Anyway. Then I sing "Hush, Little Baby" to him. He looks into my eyes and smiles around his paci as I sing. Then I kiss him and say goodnight, turn on the sleep sheep, and either leave the room or if I'm going to bed early, I read my book for a while. He usually turns his face to the wall and drifts off quietly.

Last night? Not so much. He busted out of the swaddle, dropped his paci several times and whined for it, and built up to an I'm Hungry cry. I fed him, reswaddled, he continued to fuss. I came to bed. Fuss fuss fuss. Finally I just brought him into the bed with me and he was out like a light in seconds. Fine.

So, 11 pm rolls around, he wakes up, I nurse him, back to sleep.

2 am rolls around, he wakes up. Now's when I'm supposed to "soothe" him back to sleep. Give him the paci. I try both. He gets progressively fussier until he's doing the I'm Hungry cry. Which is more accurately described as a holler. When he wants to eat, he doesn't cry like a baby, he yells. Baby yells but they sound almost like words, angry bellows. It's very cute - during the day. So okay, I feed him again, back to sleep.

4 am, he's up again. Now I'm thinking, what a bunch of horse shit those books and people on the Bump are, but okay, I go through the motions of trying to soothe and give the paci, which of course does not work. Now he's kicking me repeatedly in the bladder. And I have to pee but if I get out of bed my dog will want to be fed and that's it, nighttime over. So I nurse Miles, he kicks me in the bladder the entire time we're nursing, and eventually we fall asleep again.

5 am. UP AGAIN. Nothing will do but more nursing and getting kicked in the bladder. We go ahead and do that and as he falls asleep I put my boob away. He fusses and I give him the paci. He gags and spits up everything he just ate. I lift him onto my chest to get him out of the puddle and turn him face down and he yaks up the entire 4 am feeding too. I have never seen so much spitup in my life... seriously it was a good 6 oz at least. All over me.

Set the baby down, whip off my shirt, turn on the light. The dog scrambles out of his crate and does the irritating toenails-on-the-wood-floor feed me dance. I remember that I forgot to put the coffee on the night before. Miles looks at me and smiles.

And so my day begins.