Betrayal

I didn't sleep well last night. Not for the reason you think.

I've made it my unwritten rule not to talk about coworkers or friends on my blog, but since a coworker friend of mine decided to explode our relationship into a million pieces I guess there's no particular reason to be discreet. Although this blog is anonymous, I'm aware that it's still public and my identity is rather thinly veiled, so I've never wanted to write anything that could hurt feelings or cause ill will if stumbled upon. But it's hard to top the hurt feelings and ill will that my former friend dumped upon my yesterday, so what am I protecting?

I'm also aware that it can be extremely boring to read about someone else's friend and friendship drama, but I need to vent... if only because I can think of little else right now.

Nearly four years ago Mr. Ibis and I sold most of our worldly possessions and moved halfway across the country. He had a few family members here but other than that we knew no one, and I had never lived anywhere but in New England. I had a small business and had to rebuild it from the ground. "Betty" is one of the first people I met when I was seeking new contacts in my field.

For four years she and I have been work colleagues and friends. I thought, friends. I've never made friends easily or quickly so she's one of only a handful of people I've bonded with here. In hindsight I see that I made a grave error in my career path by aligning myself with her and not being terribly ambitious on my own behalf... I thought that we could work together for years and I did not need to aggressively promote myself. But she recently suffered an episode of jealousy, I have to assume, and blindsided me with a confrontation yesterday when I showed up to work on a job with her.

She tore me to pieces, claiming that she made me who I am, that she had given me too much, that I was never very good and she just kept quiet about that to spare my feelings, that I would pretty much be nothing without her. I was shocked. The more upset I became the more she seemed to enjoy ripping me apart, which shocked me further. This was not the culmination of some kind of simmering conflict - it just came out of nowhere in the middle of what I thought was a happy and mutually beneficial relationship. Just, bam. She ended with an ultimatum - I do X or we part ways. Ordinarily I would have been willing to do X - if she had simply asked me to do it - but her cruelty and the way she seemed so delighted to burn down our friendship rendered the ultimatum moot. I'll do X, but we will most certainly part ways.

I don't truly believe in horoscopes, but in many ways I am your classic Cancer the Crab. I'm loyal and slow to anger, but when crossed, I can be unforgiving. I retreat to my shell and stay there. I feel betrayed by Betty and there's nothing she can say to mend this rift short of retracting EVERYTHING and claiming temporary insanity, which she will never do. I guess she feels fine about destroying a four year friendship; very well, it's over then.

But I don't feel fine about it. I called Mr. Ibis on my way home and was crying so hard I could hardly speak. My feelings are deeply hurt. On an intellectual level I know that what she said to me was borne out of jealousy and competitiveness, but emotionally I'm wounded by every word. I'll get over it. But it sucks right now. I was up last night mentally composing an email response to her accusations. Which I do intend to write and send. Maybe it's not necessary but it will feel good and I feel entitled to it.

As far as the business relationship goes, I'm better off without her. I recently read a bit of Buddhist wisdom that says a person can't grow without first moving into a space of terrible discomfort. I know that to be true, especially for me in my career. Losing Betty is losing a safety net, which scares me, but I know that if I take this the right way it can be a step up to the next level.