Introductory Discipline

I'm taking a new class in the school of life: Disciplining Your Child (Beginner Level). Miles is now old enough to understand basic Cause & Effect, which means he is now frequently experimenting with the laws of physics, and also that he can begin to understand simple discipline tactics.

Only one problem: I didn't know any. I don't think discipline was really my parents' strong suit, as they relied mainly on spanking and yelling, which may have "worked" in the sense that I was a sensitive child and easily intimidated so I mostly stayed out of trouble, but their techniques didn't exactly fill me with self-confidence, create a loving, peaceful environment in our home, foster a healthy trust between me and my parents, and all those other mushy gushy things I aim for as a parent.

What other examples could I draw from? I used to watch Supernanny and, pre-parenthood, she seemed pretty awesome to me. Even if it took three hours to put a kid to bed, even if it took two hours to get a toddler to sit on the naughty chair, she won! She conquered! She got results! Now that I do have a child, albeit a baby, a high spirited baby, those kinds of power struggles she gets into do not appeal to me aaaaat alllll. At all at all. I believe (and I learned this partially through obedience training the Unicorn as a puppy!) that even the youngest child/puppy understands a power struggle undermines the authority of the parent. It says "I'm not totally sure that I'm in charge here so I'm gonna fight you for the upper hand."

Okay, so, I knew what I didn't want to do but not so much what I did want to do.

Then one day while Miles was napping I pulled out this book that I bought at a book sale last summer: Natural Family Living by Peggy O'Mara - the Mothering magazine book. I like the magazine even if I keep a healthy dose of skepticism in mind as I read it... I bristle a bit when they go all AP on me or I sense the faintest bit of judginess, because even if I agree with their views about 90% of the time I don't like to feel like I'm riding a Mommy High Horse. Because of that hesitation I had barely read this book since I bought it, but I randomly turned to the chapter on Discipline this week. And I am really loving it.

Interestingly, the book does not approve of time-outs - not a position you run into often. But they feel that time-outs simply don't work, because children lack the emotional maturity to use that time to reflect and repent, and usually just simmer and plot revenge (heehee!). That makes sense to me... even though Miles is too young for time-out I can't see it ever working for him. He's too high energy and too containment-averse. I can see him just FUH-REAKING out and then I'd have to get into one of those Supernanny faceoffs that last hours and are totally stressful for everyone and... just, nah.

NFL has lots of helpful, specific discipline techniques, with explanations and examples, that are easy to understand. And I liked that they point out that discipline is a learned skill - it takes time to master and you're not going to be great at it from the get-go, but you just work on it and do your best.

There is a handy summary list of 40 "Alternatives to Punishment" at the end of the chapter that they encourage you to post somewhere in your home where you can look at it often, and I did just that. I copied it on a big card and taped it up over Miles's changing table. I look at when I'm rocking him to sleep for naps. Hopefully over time I can remember and internalize enough of them that I will feel like I have an accessible mental bag of tricks when I have the need to discipline Miles... something that is not automatic or natural for me but which I am doggedly learning.

The list is too long to post here without boring you to death, but here are a few that I'm trying to use now while Miles is still a baby:

* Use positive reinforcement

* Create a positive environment (that is, childproof and limit opportunities for child to get into trouble)

* Save no for the important things

* Offer help (this is useful when Miles gets frustrated and screeches or whines... instead of correcting him for whining I verbalize the problem - "your toy is stuck!" and help him)

* Redirect your child (also, Distract your child, similar idea)

* Simply insist (admittedly kinda easy now when he is so physically pliable)

* Ignore some behavior

* Use humor

* Give yourselves time (always a good one for impatient old me!)

* Model appropriate behavior

* Always keep your love for your child in mind