I'm full of it

Inspiration, that is.

Mr. Ibis and I have been talking a lot about the possible hues of my parachute lately. I'm 32 years old. Being honest with myself, I have to admit I pretty much hate my career as it stands. I wrote last winter that it felt "dead" to me. I need a new direction. I have an art degree (HA!). I'm mother to a young child and planning to have another one soonish. This is a tough place to be, and I've been feeling lost.

In life I think sometimes you create your own narrative, and sometimes you borrow other people's narratives about you. When I graduated college with my dumb art degree, I didn't have a clue what to do with my life. I borrowed a narrative: I am an artist. Other people have always told me this. I borrowed a narrative: my dad is a painting contractor so I could do something like that. Presto chango, I have a painting business.

Fast forward ten years and I'm in my 30s and I have somewhat of an idea of who I am and what I care about. I care about good health, living well, being environmentally friendly-ish, being frugal, not worshipping stuff. I enjoy helping people - I spend lots of time, sometimes hours a day, trolling (not in the evil sense) message boards looking for people who have questions I might be able to help answer, questions about ordinary everyday life.

But what do I do for a living? I offer people who have so much money they have to dream up new ways to spend it a chance to one-up the Joneses with some original handmade wall embellishments. That's a cynical way to put it; the nice way is "I have a creative job - I make one of a kind wall finishes" blah blah blah. But I've always felt kind of like a fraud in this job. I pretend I can relate to my clients but I really can't. A lot of them are NICE people, don't get me wrong. I have had real, true affection for some of them. But never in a million years would I spend a few thousand dollars to paint one room, so I have to really perform some ethical somersaults to convincingly sell these things to people. And then of course you have your snotty, entitled, materialistic clients who are impossible to satisfy and want to squeeze me for everything I'm worth. They're fun.

I don't fit in with my clients, I don't fit in with my colleagues. Constantly trying to be something I'm not has been grinding me down. That, more than anything, is why I need to make a change.

I don't know if I've mentioned it here before but back when my lactation consultant saved my breastfeeding behind, I started to think that I might like to be a lactation consultant someday. I looked into it briefly, Google-style, and dropped it when I got the impression that I'd have to go through nursing school first. But I looked into it again and it appears that all I need to do is complete a prep course that I can do online, take the IBLCE test, and complete 1000 clinical hours within five years. Someone on the boards said that I can earn 500 credits a year by being a LLL leader. Food for thought.

And I'm still interested in the whole natural/holistic/AP/whatever childcare idea. The thought that I could earn a living by helping people, really helping them and not just selling them frivolous things, is very exciting to me. I still don't know exactly what my future is, and I may end up in a finger in several pies, but I feel like I am finally at least on the right path.