UGH

I can't think of a better title. I'm sleep deprived, overemotional, and stressed out. And yet, when I think about throwing myself a huge pity party, I feel guilty, because HELLO I really don't have it that bad.

Right now I am humbled by how completely inept I feel as a parent. This must be some kind of karmic bitch slap for recently saying on a message board in my usual smug way that parenting is supposed to be fun and if it's hell you're doing it wrong. Okay, universe? I'M SORRY!!! I will never pretend I know what I'm doing... ever again.

Naps got straightened out nicely and nighttime sleep fell apart. Miles is now waking up... 10 times? 20 times? 200 times a night? At a certain point you lose both the ability to count. He is not waking up to nurse. He is waking up just to push his parents over the brink of insanity. I assume. Sometimes he falls back asleep after screaming and flailing for half an eternity, sometimes he falls back sleep quickly if you just put his head back on his pillow and give him his binky.

When Mr. Ibis is home he tends to sleep with a pillow between his body and Miles, which annoys me because that takes up half the bed which means Miles is constantly kicking and head butting me and half the time I am inching over into the crib side car just to get away. Last night I was alone with him and after about two hours of Miles waking up every 5-10 minutes just to scream, flail, and fall back to sleep (once I righted him and restored the binky)... I took a page from Mr. I's book and put a pillow between us. I don't know why I had a hunch that might work but it DID. He slept solidly for the next few hours... I did hear him wake up briefly a few more times, but he went straight back to sleep.

So tonight Mr. I is stuck out of town and I'm going to try getting Miles to fall asleep in the crib side car and then put the pillow between us. I'm thinking that I can try a gradual process of getting him to sleep in the crib, first without the side rail, and later with it, and then I will move it away from our bed. If this doesn't work he may just get kicked out of our bed and go into the crib, period.

Originally my thought, and Mr. Ibis's as well, was that Miles could stay in bed with us as long as I'm breastfeeding. I don't really have a problem waking up once or twice a night to briefly breastfeed and fall back to sleep... but that's not what's happening right now. So things have to change I'm afraid.

On top of the sleeping issues, Miles is having crazy tantrums. Sometimes almost all day, it seems like. I'm sure these are not unrelated - if he's sleep deprived he's probably as cranky and overemotional as me, if not more so. But it's been just so stressful and... frankly, depressing.

I feel like I am just totally unequipped to handle a toddler and how the hell did this sneak up on me? It's like one day they're babies and you're supposed to respond every time they cry and it's impossible to spoil them, and there's no magic alarm that goes off to tell you it's toddler time, until one day you're dealing with daily nuclear meltdowns and wanting to jump off a bridge and you wonder how you ended up being such a crappy mother? I mean, already? I'm sucking at this and he's only a year old?

And also? Also also? I am alone with him a LOT. Mr. Ibis is away a LOT. And I'm super grateful that he's working a lot and we're surviving mostly on his paycheck but holy crap it's hard to do this alone about 65% of the time (made up number).

Then as if all that's not enough, Mr. Ibis keeps asking if Miles could possibly be autistic, because his tantrums are kind of disturbing with the face smashing and inconsolable screaming. Really Mr. I? I'm not anxious and overwhelmed enough? So off I go to Google. And let me just say, there are two things that should not be on the internet at all: "what not to do while pregnant" and "early signs of autism." Because honestly, the only people who would Google either of those things are too paranoid and freaked out to handle the answers.

I asked Judy today if she thought his tantrums are normal, given that she's dealt with more toddlers than me. She said she thinks he started early, but doesn't have as many as another kid in her care right now (who's 3 months older) and she feels a lot of his temper has to do with being an only child. For her Miles tends to freak out over sharing toys (ie, not wanting to), being touched by the other kids (!), or the other kids yelling/crying even if they're yelling for fun. And of course when she tries to leave the room.

For me, sometimes it feels like he tantrums about EVERYTHING. Being tired. Being hungry. Being bored. Not being able to have/do something he wants. Not being able to be carried around by me when he wants. Not being able to get to me when he wants (because I am, ohhhh, PEEING). And my favorite, for NO REASON AT ALL.